it feels kinda like in those movies, where you wake up in a nightmare that you just can't get out of no matter how hard you try, because it just seems to go on and on?

yeah well that's how i feel.
a couple of months later and it still feels that way.
its been a rollercoaster ride inside me;
as i try to convince myself to get the most out of what i have, but am continuously reminded by my friends about what could've and in my opinion, should've been.

sure thing its an easier life.
but that's not what i wanted. i think.

to be absolutely honest, i still feel the same sense of bitter disappointment and well [dare i say it], shame whenever i talk about what i'm doing now.
i get the same damn reactions everytime i answer people's questions and i honestly don't know how to answer the questions to "WHY?!"

call me whatever you want but i still do not understand how my profile suits that of what they want me to do. i mean like, seriously?

joining ndp has made it slightly more bearable, but ultimately, my vocation is not one that i am proud of.
that's my perspective.
whatever others may think about the bloody importance of this job and all that, i do know for freaking sure that i'd be better off serving my nation in other [higher] capacities.


i know of people who've slacked all through bmt just to get posted to my vocation.
people who've mostly failed ippt.
people who've a history of giving what's been interpreted as attitude problems previously.
but seriously??


i don't know if i've fallen through the cracks in the system or whatever.

but i do know for sure that i for one shall never view this system in the same way as before.



well well, time wake up you immature boy.

meritocracy does fail.
hard work isn't always rewarded.
and putting on a show for others to see does indeed bear fruits.

welcome to the real world.


hopefully this is an important lesson in life that i've learnt with a kinda big price that i've paid.